Sarcastic Storytelling Fan Gifts

"What're you doing for Thanksgiving, little buddy?" "Having a huge party." "It'll be full of turkey, cranberry sauce, wine, eggnog, football, and friends and family who love me dearly." "Oh, good. I was afraid you'd be alone all day playing video games." "'Turkey Slaughter VI' is no ordinary game." "You're coming to my place."

The Fourth Little Pig

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Saint George and the Drag Queen

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Little Buttercup HMS Pinafore

"Bram Stoker's Bambi"

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

This side is the gag reel.

The Awful Lawfuls Chapter 10

Moby Dick

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

Malaprop Man! Adventures. Malaprop Man! Where have you been? At a stupor her comet confection! Did many of your fellow heroes show up? We had a great turnabout! Backman and the Incredible Bulk were there! So was Caption Americ, the Flush, Wander Woman and Plasterman! Very impressive. Who was the most popular with the fans? I think I was the main distraction! I have no doubt at all about that!

How About Serving Us For a Change

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

Ask A Silly Question.

"At lease we managed to stop the leak before the water reached 'E' Deck."

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

Romulus and Remus

"Well, how was I supposed to know you were saving them for something special?"

Men working (part time).

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

". . . so a duck walks into a . . ."

"It floated. I want my money back."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Pirates find out treasure is a piggy bank.

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'