Sarcastic Comic Lover Gifts

The role of administration.

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Maybe there's something to this global warming after all.

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

Minority Report

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Maybe our beloved founder is trying to tell us something."

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

What do you say we team up to star in a sequel to "The Elephant Man" called "The Wolverine Boy"? !

How About Serving Us For a Change

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

"I was forced into early retirement. Is that even legal?"

Men working (part time).

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

A Failiure to Communicate

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

'I'm not saying I'm honest -- I'm saying that I'm afraid of getting caught!'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

"It floated. I want my money back."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

A guy who learned everything he needed to know in Kindergarten.

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'

"Thank you all for attending this first conference of the surveillance camera recording industry."

"Thank you for coming in on your day off, minion. It reflects well on your character." "I thought my job depended on it." "I don't know how you got that impression. I would never force you to come in on your day off. That would be illegal." "You said 'Come in on your day off. Your job depends on it.'" "Rudy, Rudy, Rudy... That's just a figure of speech." "You went on to say 'I mean it. That's not just a figure of speech.'" "That was a figure of speech too."