Sarcastic Comic Fan Gifts

"Go ahead Slinky, leave me.. you'll come crawling back."

'When he walks into a room, all heads turn...away from him.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'In the computer simulation he said he admired my candor and gave me a raise.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"Call me selfish if you want, but I have no issue with spoiling the farmer's Christmas lunch: I'm out of here..."

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

Men working (part time).

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"Is this your bright idea, Janet?"

Supermarket Warehouse. At night, with just security here, the products sing classic karaoke. The orange juice is belting Elvis'"All Shook Up." Peanut butter and jelly performed a duet of "Love Will Keep Us Together." children's breakfast cereal sang "Sugar, Sugar." And sriracha sauce did a rendition of "Great Balls of Fire"! What song will the ground beef choose? Jimmy Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise," of course!

'It's not the same. I was caught stealing office supplies. You, on the other hand, got caught stealing ideas.'

Focus Group Failures

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

"No offence Jon, but..."

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'Margaret our phone's been tapped!'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

"It floated. I want my money back."

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

'You're so sophisticated and witty...and muscular...do you work out? Why, yes, I'd love to come back to your place.'

Know-it-alls

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'