Sarcastic Comic Fan Gifts

"Go ahead Slinky, leave me.. you'll come crawling back."

'When he walks into a room, all heads turn...away from him.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'In the computer simulation he said he admired my candor and gave me a raise.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"Call me selfish if you want, but I have no issue with spoiling the farmer's Christmas lunch: I'm out of here..."

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

"Is this your bright idea, Janet?"

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

Men working (part time).

'It's not the same. I was caught stealing office supplies. You, on the other hand, got caught stealing ideas.'

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

Focus Group Failures

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

"No offence Jon, but..."

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

"It floated. I want my money back."

'Margaret our phone's been tapped!'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"You don’t seem happy here."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

'I finally understood 'negative numbers' when the teacher said they're just like the US budget deficit.'

Know-it-alls

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

'You're so sophisticated and witty...and muscular...do you work out? Why, yes, I'd love to come back to your place.'

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"