Sarcastic Commentary Lover Gifts

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

How About Serving Us For a Change

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

"I can check again, but Mr. Saunders usually insists on the full wait."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

Know-it-alls

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

'Don't get worked up - that's one you didn't bail out.'

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

"Allow me to explain the terms of our easy payment plan."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."