Sarcastic Commentary Enthusiast Gifts

"My boss combines the impulsive joie de vivre of Ebenezer Scrooge with the empathy and comradeship of a tarantula. Less hair, though."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

The transparent safe box of Panama

"White Collar Prison"

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"Allow me to explain the terms of our easy payment plan."

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'Derek's a big fan of resisistance workouts. He always resists working out.'

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

I'm with stupid.

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

"Of course, 'today seems to be dragging more than usual'. You came in on time, for once!"

Big Brother.

'Like it'll do any good.'

"Med school was a blast."

"Boss, if you could be any superhero, which one would it be?" "Insurance-Adjuster-Man." "In a world where superheroes were real, there'd be an awful lot of collateral damage to buildings and infrastructure." "Insurance-Adjuster-Man would probably clear six figures by breakfast." "'Heroes' aren't in it for the money." "Of course they are. Take Lex Luthor, for instance..."

'The boss finally noticed me today. He said I should wear deodrant.'