Sarcastic Commentary Enthusiast Gifts

"My boss combines the impulsive joie de vivre of Ebenezer Scrooge with the empathy and comradeship of a tarantula. Less hair, though."

The transparent safe box of Panama

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"White Collar Prison"

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

'Derek's a big fan of resisistance workouts. He always resists working out.'

"Allow me to explain the terms of our easy payment plan."

I'm with stupid.

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

Big Brother.

'Like it'll do any good.'

"Boss, if you could be any superhero, which one would it be?" "Insurance-Adjuster-Man." "In a world where superheroes were real, there'd be an awful lot of collateral damage to buildings and infrastructure." "Insurance-Adjuster-Man would probably clear six figures by breakfast." "'Heroes' aren't in it for the money." "Of course they are. Take Lex Luthor, for instance..."

"Of course, 'today seems to be dragging more than usual'. You came in on time, for once!"

"Med school was a blast."

'The boss finally noticed me today. He said I should wear deodrant.'