University Sarcasm Enthusiast Gifts

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Let's consider an early dive."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

The Snarky District

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

Czarcasm

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"This number goes out to all the little people I met on my way back down."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"Yes, we voted remain - how did you guess?"

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"The news is so fake, the ads are beginning to look honest."

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

'This program is geared towards the youth market. You give it up to five commands and it closes down in a huff!'

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

'You're good with people. Just tell him to go fuck himself.'

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."