University Satirist Gifts

'I'm sorry, but we simply can't allow you to graduate. Your coursework is complete, and your grades are exemplary, but you apparently failed to attend the group icebreakers during freshman orientation week... which as you know, were mandatory.'

absolutely no capital letters beyond this point

'I'm sorry, Professor Johnson is not picking up. I can put you through to the equally eccentric Professor Williams if you would like?'

Ethics exam cheater.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"And just how do you expect to become a made man, son, without a solid liberal-arts education?"

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"If you do well in your first practicum, you can move on to teaching real children."

"... And don't come back until you're ready to get funny."

'Thirty years in academia and all I got was this chair.'

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

"We're going to run some tests: bloodwork, a cat-scan and the S.A.T.'s."

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

Dear folks. Well, you were right; being the prettiest gator of the Everglades hasn't helped me one bit.'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

Monkey Business College

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

"When I said my teacher had no class I meant class was canceled."

'Too many students taking Mickey Mouse subjects.'