University Satire Gifts

The assistant to the chair begins another busy day.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

'Too many students taking Mickey Mouse subjects.'

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

"We'll have to retract that article. On of our co-authors is the night watchman."

Monkey Business College

"Yeah, but good luck getting it peer-reviewed."

'Trevor, it's some gentlemen to see you about your student loan.'

'I didn't exactly write the article, but...well, I didn't exactly do the research either.'

'We need a biology instructor, Darwin, and you're the natural selection.'

'I wish you had chosen a more pertinent educational issue than 'Do Dogs Actually Eat Homework?''

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

Breakfast at Universities

'Ann, you're the best graduate student I have, so I'm going to blame some faulty research on you.'

'I'm sorry, Professor Johnson is not picking up. I can put you through to the equally eccentric Professor Williams if you would like?'

'It's all a load of Voltaire!'

"This looks cool, Mum, a university offering a degree course in Greed."

'Today I have dumbed-down philosophy, followed by dumbed-down chemistry and dumbed-down English lit.'

Campus. Professor Frump is the most respected faculty member here. All the other professors want to be noticed by him. This semester he's teaching three classes. But for some unknown reason lots of students are dropping the second one. He asked why this is happening. Hoping to impress him, sociology and economics scholars rushed to present him with their theories. I guess he should have been more specific when he questioned with the middle class is disappearing.

Publish or Perish: 'Welcome to the Team. Remember, if you follow the University Motto, you'll do fine...'

'Your evaluation is based on what you do in the next 30 seconds. Go!'

'Ma, have you been reading my textbook?'

'I don't think it was a very productive year for Ms. Read. We learned to use all twenty six letters, and she only learned to use the 'C'.'

'I was just checking your records, Kleinzweck, and you have a Ph.D.. in pseudoscience!'

'We have to retract that article. One of our co-authors is the night watchman.'

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"...he wanted it 'sexed up' before he could publish it..."