Academic Satire Gifts

"You say your heart was at Harvard but your head was at Yale. Tell me some more about that."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

"We're going to run some tests: bloodwork, a cat-scan and the S.A.T.'s."

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

'By the second week of instruction all first-graders should be able to count to one.'

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

'Too many students taking Mickey Mouse subjects.'

Monkey Business College

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

"We'll have to retract that article. On of our co-authors is the night watchman."

"Yeah, but good luck getting it peer-reviewed."

'After reviewing my student loans, I wrote my thesis on deficit spending.'

'Why Isaac Newton kept returning to alchemy...' 'There's just no money in gravity.'

'I didn't exactly write the article, but...well, I didn't exactly do the research either.'

'I wish you had chosen a more pertinent educational issue than 'Do Dogs Actually Eat Homework?''

Thomas Carlyle

'We need a biology instructor, Darwin, and you're the natural selection.'

"Along with 'Antimatter,' and 'Dark Matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'Doesn't Matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

'According to creation mathematicians, all of Euclid's theories were originally found etched into rocks.'

Precisely Inprecise

'I'm not interested in what the paper is about, Dr Jones, I just want you to put me on the authors' list...'

Atilla the Hun, sadly neglected by historians for his progressive approach to personnel management.

"Our interview with the author of the best-selling book, 'how I never paid taxes', has been postponed 5 to 10 years."

Emile Durkheim

'It's all a load of Voltaire!'