Academic Satire Enthusiast Gifts

"The University has to stop regarding students as empty vessels desperate to be filled with the fruits of human learning... and more as potential profit centres."

"I think everyone appreciates the difficulties of getting published, competition is brutal."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

"What do you mean blood sucking pest? You're the one who invited me into your life!"

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

World Food Summit - No food and drink allowed in the auditorium.

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"I'm a common dolphin, I swim the west coast of Scotland foraging for fish and squid."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

'And in conclusion.'

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'Physical or Social Science?'

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

Militant Pacifists

"Cartoonist are harmless? Not at all!! These people have weapons!! Here, see for yourself!"

'Not only can I not find the middle class tax cut, I can't find the middle class.'

'This is a very dysfunctional company. No one will talk aboaut about the elephant in the boardroom!'

"My parents just raised my home school tuition."

"Alright, fire me. But I'm taking back your "World's Greatest Boss" coffee mug!"

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

Multiple personalities with blogs.