Academic Satire Fan Gifts

'Your evaluation is based on what you do in the next 30 seconds. Go!'

The hospital requires all of our nursing staff to be educated to degree level, nurse Pittwalter's is in Post-Neoclassical endogenous growth theory.'

'We have to retract that article. One of our co-authors is the night watchman.'

"I never realized how hard my grandparents had it until I learned they had to go to a library to plagiarize things."

'An Oxford don'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

"Would you say that the sales projections in your 3 year plan are realistic?"

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

"Walking erect is very trendy now."

"It started with a simple case of peer-review."

I told you we were late!

"I'm going to get you fired."

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

"I have good news and bad news about your cat, Dr Schrodinger..."

'I know it's controversial, but my calculations prove beyond doubt that a nod is BETTER than a wink.'

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

Brian surgeon squeezing brains from a tube.

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'Today we will lock the monkey in a room...' 'Why do I volunteer for this?'

'Welcome! Highly placed, unidentified administration spokespersons convention.'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

Chaos Theory Conference.

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

Knights of the Round Whatever

'Too many students taking Mickey Mouse subjects.'

"We'll have to retract that article. On of our co-authors is the night watchman."

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

"I'm a huge fan of your work."

Books on running a successful school,

'They've all tested positive for stress.'

"Yeah, but good luck getting it peer-reviewed."

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet.

'I didn't exactly write the article, but...well, I didn't exactly do the research either.'