Academic Satirist Gifts

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

'Under strict laboratory conditions, research concludes that, in spite of being watched, pots do eventually boil.'

"I never graduated from college. I got caught cheating on my ethics exam."

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'Ma, have you been reading my textbook?'

'I didn't exactly write the article, but...well, I didn't exactly do the research either.'

I heard it's a diploma mill.

"To us you're more than just students. You're a revolving source of revenue."

"On my salary microeconomics is all I can afford."

"Before I give you all my answers, maybe we should discuss the intellectual property rights."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

teacher to student: 'Don't come back to my class until you have a learner's permit.'

'We need a biology instructor, Darwin, and you're the natural selection.'

'I wish you had chosen a more pertinent educational issue than 'Do Dogs Actually Eat Homework?''

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Boy holding baby with tag reading 'J Smidgley Biology O' Level Practical Results.'

Ralph Waldo Emerson

'They put me in the slow class - NOW who am I supposed to copy from?'

'You've heard of the government paying farmers not to farm; they pay us not to do research.'

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

A-level results 19th Aug - 'D' for dunce

"A review of standards would show how dumb the teachers are."

'Jane, if you can't resist interjecting reality into your research, this may not be the right think tank for you!'

The armchair pharmacologist speaks...

'And remember, your success will be measured by how much you donate to the university's alumni fund.'

"If they insist we dumb-down the classes, I suggest we award them a dumbed-down diploma."

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

"I swear to God, Jenkins, this place is exactly like high school!"

'It's all a load of Voltaire!'

"You want an original paper, no a retweet? I have no idea where I could download that."

"Would you like to have a drink with me after the genocide panel?"

'I don't think it would be ethical for me to join the Union of Concerned Scientists -- I really don't give a damn.'

'If we could just get rid of a few of these lecturers and students, we'd have a great university on our hands.'

"Peer review is getting tougher and tougher."