Higher Education Satirist Gifts

College: 'We do not discriminate on the basis of race, age, sex, or religion. Students must simply be able to afford $20,000 tuition per year.'

'Trevor, it's some gentlemen to see you about your student loan.'

Ethics exam cheater.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

"I sincerely hope you learned a lesson this time, Mark. Drawing cartoons on your homework will get you nowhere in life."

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

'We built this city on Rock 'n' Roll, yeah baby. Is not an accurate assessment of our town's history.'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"And just how do you expect to become a made man, son, without a solid liberal-arts education?"

"If you do well in your first practicum, you can move on to teaching real children."

"... And don't come back until you're ready to get funny."

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

"11th Grade Math for Nincompoops"

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"I try to keep my classes relevant."

"I wish every teacher came with a warning label."

"When I said my teacher had no class I meant class was canceled."

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

'A restaurateur prepares macaroni and sells it as pasta. I want you to do the same for the educational program at your school.'

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

'I didn't exactly write the article, but...well, I didn't exactly do the research either.'

'I wish you had chosen a more pertinent educational issue than 'Do Dogs Actually Eat Homework?''

'We need a biology instructor, Darwin, and you're the natural selection.'

'Think Basics.'