University Satire Pillows

The assistant to the chair begins another busy day.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

Monkey Business College

"We'll have to retract that article. On of our co-authors is the night watchman."

"Yeah, but good luck getting it peer-reviewed."

'Trevor, it's some gentlemen to see you about your student loan.'

'I didn't exactly write the article, but...well, I didn't exactly do the research either.'

'I wish you had chosen a more pertinent educational issue than 'Do Dogs Actually Eat Homework?''

'We need a biology instructor, Darwin, and you're the natural selection.'

Breakfast at Universities

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

'I'm sorry, Professor Johnson is not picking up. I can put you through to the equally eccentric Professor Williams if you would like?'

'Today I have dumbed-down philosophy, followed by dumbed-down chemistry and dumbed-down English lit.'

"This looks cool, Mum, a university offering a degree course in Greed."

'Ann, you're the best graduate student I have, so I'm going to blame some faulty research on you.'

'It's all a load of Voltaire!'

Publish or Perish: 'Welcome to the Team. Remember, if you follow the University Motto, you'll do fine...'

'Your evaluation is based on what you do in the next 30 seconds. Go!'

'I don't think it was a very productive year for Ms. Read. We learned to use all twenty six letters, and she only learned to use the 'C'.'

'I was just checking your records, Kleinzweck, and you have a Ph.D.. in pseudoscience!'

'Ma, have you been reading my textbook?'

'We have to retract that article. One of our co-authors is the night watchman.'

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Peer review is getting tougher and tougher."

"...he wanted it 'sexed up' before he could publish it..."