College Satirist Pillows

'The average college graduate has $29,400 in student debt. How come you have $37,000?'

I hate to do this but you know the high costs of college.

Ethics exam cheater.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

"I sincerely hope you learned a lesson this time, Mark. Drawing cartoons on your homework will get you nowhere in life."

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'We built this city on Rock 'n' Roll, yeah baby. Is not an accurate assessment of our town's history.'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"And just how do you expect to become a made man, son, without a solid liberal-arts education?"

"... And don't come back until you're ready to get funny."

"If you do well in your first practicum, you can move on to teaching real children."

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

"11th Grade Math for Nincompoops"

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

"I try to keep my classes relevant."

"I wish every teacher came with a warning label."

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

"When I said my teacher had no class I meant class was canceled."

Monkey Business College

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'