Campus Life Satirist Gifts

"Here is the university's R-U-Tenure-Trak number. Just punch in your professor's code."

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

"I sincerely hope you learned a lesson this time, Mark. Drawing cartoons on your homework will get you nowhere in life."

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'Thirty years in academia and all I got was this chair.'

"What did you study in school today, Gracie?"

College of Liberal (not in the political snese) arts.

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

'Too many students taking Mickey Mouse subjects.'

Monkey Business College

'Trevor, it's some gentlemen to see you about your student loan.'

'I didn't exactly write the article, but...well, I didn't exactly do the research either.'

'Dude, you gotta lay off the Mac n' Cheese!'

'We need a biology instructor, Darwin, and you're the natural selection.'

'I wish you had chosen a more pertinent educational issue than 'Do Dogs Actually Eat Homework?''

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

"I've got news for you. Kids don't have a union and doing your homework is not negotiable."

'When I was your age, an 'A' did not stand for 'adequate'.'

Breakfast at Universities

Students renaming 'in' and 'out' trays with 'shake it all about'.

'Ann, you're the best graduate student I have, so I'm going to blame some faulty research on you.'

"This looks cool, Mum, a university offering a degree course in Greed."

'It's all a load of Voltaire!'

'Today I have dumbed-down philosophy, followed by dumbed-down chemistry and dumbed-down English lit.'

'I'm sorry, Professor Johnson is not picking up. I can put you through to the equally eccentric Professor Williams if you would like?'

Cutting Room Floor

'Ms Phipps! Joey accidentally brought his grandmother's cream cheese and cucumber sandwich for lunch! Call 911!'

Publish or Perish: 'Welcome to the Team. Remember, if you follow the University Motto, you'll do fine...'

'Ma, have you been reading my textbook?'

Ralph Waldo Emerson