University Sarcasm Enthusiast Pillows

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Let's consider an early dive."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

Czarcasm

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"Yes, we voted remain - how did you guess?"

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"This number goes out to all the little people I met on my way back down."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

'This program is geared towards the youth market. You give it up to five commands and it closes down in a huff!'

"Larry, what's the weather forecast?" "Let me ask you something. Did you make waffles this morning? Because someone had maple syrup on their hands, and I seem to recall a hand moving me... a pretty, pretty, pretty sticky hand..."

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

"The news is so fake, the ads are beginning to look honest."

'You're good with people. Just tell him to go fuck himself.'

"Really? That's the only game in this house?"

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."