University Humor Enthusiast Pillows

What Happens in the Cal-Bunker

Dear folks. Well, you were right; being the prettiest gator of the Everglades hasn't helped me one bit.'

'Yes, your father studied at a 'red brick university'. He never graduated though, because he's as thick as a red brick!'

'Hmph. College kids.'

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

College. Did you pick a major yet? I'm doing a double major in art and logic --- I want to draw my own conclusions!

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

'So what are you studying, young man?'

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

"Political Science... that's in the Department of Performing Arts."

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'I'm going to have to give up drinking and drugs when I leave uni - to pay off my bank loan.'

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

"I'm taking 'moving back in with the parents' studies."

'And in conclusion.'

'Thirty years in academia and all I got was this chair.'

'Physical or Social Science?'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Chaos Theory Conference.

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

College of Liberal (not in the political snese) arts.

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

Room-mate Homicides Waiting to Happen. . .

Books on running a successful school,

"Graduates, faculty, parents, creditors..."

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'

The Milbrook Verney chair in literature. The C.K. Frebish endowment for footnotes.