Snarky Connoisseur Pillows

I've started so I'll finish...

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

'I'll make my final decision on that promotion of yours, after this game.'

Vlad the Impala

"He's a guard dog."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

'Apparently the stag party has gone into extra time.'

'The siege is working my lord. They have food and water but no beard oil. I reckon they will surrender in 12 hours or less'

'It's our own consumer confidence test. Throw some nickels out and if they're picked up in 5 minutes confidence is really low!'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

A hammer in his den enjoying a cigar and port with his collection of trophy thumbs above his head.

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

Surprised chicken: 'I know. I can't believe it either.'

"OK, now another guy found a feather in his soup! One of you is molting, and I need to know who!"

'Take me to you lieder.'

Imagine

Totalitarian Humour

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

"In a just world we'd have 'No Lawyer Left Behind'."

"How was prom?"

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"Every Thursday I do her nails."

"Humiliation is a very important part of the the process, Mr. Keifer."

'This year, Sire, I've created a socko narrative of scatological raillery and rollicking nihilism which ends with a sexy justification for third quarter losses.'

"He'd make a wonderful main character for a short story, but I wouldn't put up with him for an entire novel."

'It's clear that we need Haitian refugees in America to do jobs Americans aren't willing to do... Like voting Democratic!'

'I'm sorry young lady, but you're not old enough to be free range!'

"That damn dog's scratching again!"

'Well it's too bad you're not a black widow like me, Slyvia...'