Snark Enthusiast Pillows

"He'd make a wonderful main character for a short story, but I wouldn't put up with him for an entire novel."

"I've always feared this day would come. I'm running out of snarky replies."

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

Sen. Krupt. I don't tell constituents that we're fueling inflation. I say we're protecting consumers and thanks to us they won't have to worry about buying any cheap stuff.

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

Support the Ex-Troops

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

Pretty Flowers

Torturing the English Language

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Clyde thought “Atomic Sparklers” was just an ad gimmick

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

The height of fashion in 1796

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

reincarnated worm...

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

Needed Inventions: An Airbag To Protect The Viewer Against A Really Lousy Program.

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"We don't care about his nose. We won't let him play because he's not vaccinated and won't wear a mask!"

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

"I don't like the looks of that!"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"We're suing you under equal opportunities legislation for failure to represent our rights"

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

Meat Grinder