Snark Enthusiast Pillows

"He'd make a wonderful main character for a short story, but I wouldn't put up with him for an entire novel."

"I've always feared this day would come. I'm running out of snarky replies."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Clyde thought “Atomic Sparklers” was just an ad gimmick

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

The height of fashion in 1796

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

reincarnated worm...

Needed Inventions: An Airbag To Protect The Viewer Against A Really Lousy Program.

"I don't like the looks of that!"

"We don't care about his nose. We won't let him play because he's not vaccinated and won't wear a mask!"

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"We're suing you under equal opportunities legislation for failure to represent our rights"

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"