Sarcastic Savant Pillows

'I tried everything to get my class to pay attention. I tried bribes,sarcasm,guilt,shame and threats. nothing works! Are you paying attention to what I'm saying?'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

Mitch learns he is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

"Thank you, Nathaniel. I think you, too, are a very scary young lawyer."

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Barbed Pen

"I love this comedy. What's it called?"

'When I drink, I don't drive my car.'

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'Wow! - Your diary is even more boring than MY diary!'

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

"For my will I decided to cut out the middle man and bequeath all my money to the IRS."

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."