Sarcastic Soul Pillows

Company Legal Dept - "Do you think they'd take a bribe to drop the corruption charges?"

"Do you mind if I give you a little destructive criticism?"

"If I need to stop smoking and lose weight...what are you going to do about it?"

'Remember, guys, there's no 'I'll kill you before I ever budge an inch on any position' in TEAMWORK.'

'Oh alright...My gratitude blazes within me with the white hot intensity of a thousand burning suns...Now can I please have my newspaper?'

"You're not a completely worthless, Bates. I'm highlighting you as an example for others not to follow"

Manager - Grouchy Enter At Own Risk.

Sometimes a Good Excuse to Get off the Telephone is Hard to Find

'Irony Board"

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

But, I guess what it comes down to is this, in a world so full of pain and suffering, at least I can say I wore fun ties.'

'I am literally allergic to positivity.'

"I told my boss there weren't enough hours in my day. He said that's why they invented the night."

Complaints

O.K. Dokey, Attorney at Law

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'You're still holding for Mr Stein? Press one for 'anger management'.'

Laugh, Live, Love, Loathe

'Sorry, sir...The Health Department requires us to wear hair nets.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

'I must be growing up. I can feel my intelligence being insulted.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'When television insults Walter's intelligence, he insults it right back.'

'I heard the old man is twisted.'

;My wife insisted I get personally bonded...not that I work...she was afraid I might bore someone to death.;

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'When it comes to giving, I stop at nothing, , ,'

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"Is he gonna read the ENTIRE Book of Psalms!?! C'Mon!!!"

"Fetch!" "Sorry, I'm on a break."

Customer Disservice

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"