Sarcastic Single Pillows

"Will you stop doing that please? Isn't it obvious to you that I just don't fancy him?!"

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Caesar salad?'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Mitch learns he is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'Wow! - Your diary is even more boring than MY diary!'

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

'It will cure every ailment known to man, the only side effect is, you'll choke to death trying to swallow it.'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"The Help Desk guy says to try Ctrl-Alt-Delete....!"

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"I'm not whining."

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"