Sarcastic Souls Pillows

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'

'Tap water?! As if.'

"So, we've processed your loan application and I'm afraid that it doesn't look too promising!"

"Just so you know, you were my third-round draft pick."

"It's 11.30pm Do you know where your children are? Do you care?"

'Dinsdale keeps harassing me with his laser pointer!'

"I've been praying for an excuse not to go Christmas shopping."

"I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death."

Weight loss programme.

'Frankly, I didn't want to bite him, but he kept poking at me with a stick...'

"It's okay mate, I only need the cork from your bottle."

You said it was "take your child to work" day. You didn't say anything about bringing him back.

It's ironic, these days money goes a lot faster, but not as far as it used to.

If course your mouth hurts,. You've got to floss more than once every two years. Why bother? Think of the long-term implications, 50 years from now. Anything can happen between now and then. Amazon could go out of business, Google could give way to a different search engine, and – oh I rue the apocalyptic day – something could happen to Tim Cook. That's not what people usually mean when they say anything can happen. And then, what would have been the point of ANY of this?!

"A dry heat - no problem. But this humidity."

I wandered lonely as a cloud in the shape of an insufferable jerk no one could stand to be around.

"I hope Grandma didn’t ‘decimate the bird with napalm’ again — right, Dad?"

"Thanks for your meaningful application. When can you start?"

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

The First Fire Stick

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

Mitch learns he is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'Wow! - Your diary is even more boring than MY diary!'