Sarcastic Souls Pillows

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'

'Tap water?! As if.'

"So, we've processed your loan application and I'm afraid that it doesn't look too promising!"

"It's 11.30pm Do you know where your children are? Do you care?"

'Dinsdale keeps harassing me with his laser pointer!'

"I've been praying for an excuse not to go Christmas shopping."

Weight loss programme.

'Frankly, I didn't want to bite him, but he kept poking at me with a stick...'

"It's okay mate, I only need the cork from your bottle."

"A dry heat - no problem. But this humidity."

I wandered lonely as a cloud in the shape of an insufferable jerk no one could stand to be around.

"I hope Grandma didn’t ‘decimate the bird with napalm’ again — right, Dad?"

"Thanks for your meaningful application. When can you start?"

The First Fire Stick

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

Mitch learns he is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

'Wow! - Your diary is even more boring than MY diary!'

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

'It will cure every ailment known to man, the only side effect is, you'll choke to death trying to swallow it.'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"Bird of paradise, my ass."