Sarcastic Elves Pillows

"You know I hate you, right?"

The First Fire Stick

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

Mitch learns he is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

'Wow! - Your diary is even more boring than MY diary!'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

'It will cure every ailment known to man, the only side effect is, you'll choke to death trying to swallow it.'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"Bird of paradise, my ass."

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"Fetch!" "Sorry, I'm on a break."

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"I'm not whining."

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!