Sarcastic Savior Pillows

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'Caesar salad?'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

"For my will I decided to cut out the middle man and bequeath all my money to the IRS."

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

Didn't we fire you last week?

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"I'm not whining."