Sarcastic Soothsayer Pillows

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Pie Filling Reader

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"I'm not whining."

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."