Sarcastic Soothsayer T-Shirts

'Looks like I didn't make the Forbes' billionaire list -- want me to check for your name?'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

Pie Filling Reader

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"...it was believed that anyone who displeased it would meet with a terrible fate, which of course is complete nonsen..."

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."