Sarcastic Advice Lover Pillows

"Just a word to the wise, and Gary..."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

How About Serving Us For a Change

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

"We can work up to antidepressants, but for now I want to start you on eating a whole jar of cocktail olives over the kitchen sink."

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

Know-it-alls

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'We may have found the guy who invented dynamite.'

Is my driving p***ing you off yet?

'Oh well, there's always Photoshop!'

"Joey, can you help me out here?"

'Hey, Henderson, still got your brains in your butt? Ha! Ha!'

"Climate change? That's about as likely as a meteorite..."

'Your Mother's lips haven't touched each other in 45 years!'

'Why so early?'

"God, I'll never eat another hot dog again after seeing how they're made!"

'Sorry, we couldn't pry the remote from his fingers.'

'This motel doesn't have WiFi. So NOW who's going to babysit the kids??'