Quirky Advice Lover Pillows

"We can work up to antidepressants, but for now I want to start you on eating a whole jar of cocktail olives over the kitchen sink."

'I'll call you at seven tonight... don't wear any underwear.'

"You must try your best...no matter what you do. Just don't get obsessive."

"And if all else fails, wave your arms frantically."

'The problem is you're a perfectionist. You don't always have to be totally evil. Sometimes it's OK to just be annoying.'

COVID tips from Wild Animals

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

'Well, put a jumper on if you're cold!'

"...and if your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump off a cliff?"

"Your husband's laryngitis will probably last another wee but your blood pressure is nothing short of miraculous."

'...Sure, I can tell you how to prevent getting old...You can lie about your age...You can smoke...And you can drive drunk...'

"Do not bury yourself alive if allergic to burying yourself alive."

"Always stay rooted, or you'll turn into a tumbleweed..."

'I'm screwed...'

'For best results, squeeze from the bottom.'

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

Tapeworms Need Love Too

We've had a lot of power cuts lately, but but don't worry we have a back up system.

'Very interesting. How many bird calls do you know?'

"Take him home, have sex...Then bite his goddamn head off."

Funky Facts: A slug has no teeth, 2 teeth or over 25,000 teeth?

More priceless words of encouragement from the old man.

Have you tried drinking ?

Psychiatrist with phrenology chart, reads bumps on head.

Fortune Cookies

"Granddad tells us to see the 'big picture,' so we're watching more television.

"Just a word to the wise, and Gary..."

"But the tax evasion did bring me happiness."

"I need the answers to tomorrow's history test."

If a fish farts in the ocean and no one is there to smell it, does it still stink?

No Frills Psychiatrist.

'An unpleasant customer will come to see you? Well, remember that there are three good buddies who can help you: garlic, onions and beans.'

"Your eyes are fine. I'ts just that on some eye charts they type is too small." The nearly blind leading the nearly blind.