Quirky Advice Enthusiast Pillows

'I can't stop biting my nails' 'Wear shoes!'

Hypochondriac's rule #6: take care with utensils

'Brush your key's teeth before you go to bed. Grind your keys, and the world grinds with you. Stick a key in your pillow for good luck ...'

"Feel free to take notes."

'In general, do the right thing.'

Football Crazy strip six

"And if all else fails, wave your arms frantically."

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

"Rob is a functioning train wreck."

"If you see this as motherly advice, we have a whole new subject to explore."

'Have you considered getting a life-coach?'

'The problem is you're a perfectionist. You don't always have to be totally evil. Sometimes it's OK to just be annoying.'

'If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice.'

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

"We can work up to antidepressants, but for now I want to start you on eating a whole jar of cocktail olives over the kitchen sink."

COVID tips from Wild Animals

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

"If you could have a dinner conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

Let's try something new, Al. I'll say a word, then you remain mercifully silent for the rest of the hour.

'What's wrong with you?'

'The secret to staying in business, Wilson, is making something that's needed. Profit!'

"...and if your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump off a cliff?"

"There's someone here who says she has a word to the wise. Do we have anyone like that?"

'How do you think I ended up alone on the top of a mountain?'

'...Sure, I can tell you how to prevent getting old...You can lie about your age...You can smoke...And you can drive drunk...'

'I'm screwed...'

"I can't help you with your chronic whistling. You don't need a psychiatrist, you need a musicologist!"

"Apropo of nothing, would you still love me if I were a sausage?"

'My astrologer says one thing, my guru says another, my psychiatrist says something else - I don't know who to turn to anymore.'

"Do not bury yourself alive if allergic to burying yourself alive."

"I'll give you some advice. When you're up to your nose, keep your mouth shut."

Avoid boys who spend more on hair products than you do!

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'

'No, no, the pills don't have any medication to improve your balance. You'll just get steadier on your feet by trying to catch pills that are thrown to you.'

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'