Quirky Advisor Pillows

Remember, when life gives you lemons, whine and pout and cry until life can't take it anymore and gives you cookies just to shut you up.

'An unpleasant customer will come to see you? Well, remember that there are three good buddies who can help you: garlic, onions and beans.'

Woman at entrance to clairvoyant's with sign reading 'Warning: readings may contain bad news as well as good news'.

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'Tomorrow's special is fish, so wear the flounder suit.'

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

"And if all else fails, wave your arms frantically."

"My favorite tea: hot daffodil-infused chamomile with a hint of whiskey. Are you serious? Of course I'm serious! I've been dosing myself with small quantities of poisonous daffodil ever since 1931. You have to build up an immunity if you want to survive in the cutthroat world of Scrabble tournaments."

"Has it occurred to you that you keep getting beaten up because that's your true purpose in life?"

'We'll talk later, Ed, but for now we have a quick and dirty solution to your objections.'

Expressions of mystery.

"Saturn. No contest. A deadly, treacherous gas giant ringed by a gossamer halo of ice. It symbolizes both death and life. Both evil and good. It symbolizes existence itself."

"My mommy suggested I try a different advertising approach."

"And when conventional theories don't work, we've got Charnier here to do us a spot of voodoo marketing."

'The problem is you're a perfectionist. You don't always have to be totally evil. Sometimes it's OK to just be annoying.'

'Stick and Carrot Business Incentive Consultants.'

Let's try something new, Al. I'll say a word, then you remain mercifully silent for the rest of the hour.

"We can work up to antidepressants, but for now I want to start you on eating a whole jar of cocktail olives over the kitchen sink."

You're making me very angry right now, Al. Did you know that before Rorschach came up with his inkblot test, he had one that involved blood spatters?

COVID tips from Wild Animals

'I like it.'

"The answer isn't more troops—what you need is an antibiotic."

"I'm in advertising. . ."

"He doesn't like dinosaurs."

'A shocking report shows more marriages are ending in divorce than decapitation. Could this be the end of traditional marriage, as we know it? More on that. . .after the break!'

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense. If I had a cell phone, you wouldn't bother me!

'I think Mr. Teddy's getting too dependent on me.'

'You really have no idea what you're doing do you?'

"Timing is everything. I recommend that you act now before the authorities discover I've escaped."

"You're not supposed to answer her when she talks to us."

'...Sure, I can tell you how to prevent getting old...You can lie about your age...You can smoke...And you can drive drunk...'

The Phenomenon of Absolute Power, Expressed as a Geometric Curve.

"I'd fire him in a minute, but the old man thinks we need his unique perspective around here."

'I'm worried, Master has suddenly developed a morbid obsession: He asks me to play dead all the time now...'

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'