Quirky Family Advisor Pillows

'Can you give me a younger brother? I'm ready to delegate the responsibilities of my chores.'

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"And if all else fails, wave your arms frantically."

"Where's your nose?"

'Feel free to get a second opinion. I can give you the number to my mom.'

'Oh God I hope that bunch of rednecks aren't waving at me!'

"Grandmom told me "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." I told her that has medical malpractice written all over it!"

'We'll talk later, Ed, but for now we have a quick and dirty solution to your objections.'

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"Mum can you come home quick, dad's started to make an exhibition of himself again!"

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

'I'm glad you're getting so into science, son, but you'll have to ask your teacher about this... jjunnetics thing.'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

'The problem is you're a perfectionist. You don't always have to be totally evil. Sometimes it's OK to just be annoying.'

'Stick and Carrot Business Incentive Consultants.'

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

COVID tips from Wild Animals

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"We can work up to antidepressants, but for now I want to start you on eating a whole jar of cocktail olives over the kitchen sink."

"...some of these tadpoles may not be yours."

"I'll explain later."

'I think Mr. Teddy's getting too dependent on me.'

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

"He doesn't like dinosaurs."

'...Sure, I can tell you how to prevent getting old...You can lie about your age...You can smoke...And you can drive drunk...'

Boho Bribes

'How do you expect them to treat you in a mature way with that thing in your mouth?'

'Yeah, my Mum is a clean-freak too: I have to wash my food before I eat it...'

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

"Have you seen his sippy skull?"

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'