Quirky Health Advisor Pillows

Vice-friendly Health Workers

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

Dr. Saltine, pioneer of salt transplants.

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

'The Meaning of Life? -- you don't have a bad ticker, do you?'

Govt. UK led by Seance

'The problem is you're a perfectionist. You don't always have to be totally evil. Sometimes it's OK to just be annoying.'

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

Quick! 5-second rule!

"We can work up to antidepressants, but for now I want to start you on eating a whole jar of cocktail olives over the kitchen sink."

"Well, Mr Eagle, coming to see me is the first positive step to get you to soar again..."

"You were smart to come see, Mr. Lewis. These moles on your back definitely look suspicious."

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

'Test results are back. Coffee, donuts, sleep deprivation. Doc, you've got to start taking better care of yourself.'

"Now they're saying shiny things attached to hooks are bad for you."

The Big Book of Really Hard Surgery

My fitness tracker said I was dead but I thought I'd better get a second opinion

Food Pyramid.

Jim's Smart Kettle

"Doctor, before we start you've got to promise me that I don't have to give up anything."

'...Sure, I can tell you how to prevent getting old...You can lie about your age...You can smoke...And you can drive drunk...'

Vaping cigarette

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

It's not a tongue depressor, it's a used popsicle stick. If you can name the flavor, your taste buds pass the test.

Your insurance doesn't cover leeches, but some patients are reporting good outcomes with the escargot.

'No, no, the pills don't have any medication to improve your balance. You'll just get steadier on your feet by trying to catch pills that are thrown to you.'

Enormous obesity report.

Live yogurt.

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

'With the added weight on their chests, donors can give a pint of blood at a time.'

This thing on my neck is keeping me awake at night.

"Odd - you have bad cholesterol, good cholesterol, and some cholesterol that wonders why everyone can't just get along."

'...and it has much less cholesterol than beef.'

"Say, Flo, did you make an appointment with a lifestyle counselor?"

Group Insurance/Vitamins