Quirky Health Advisor Pillows

Vice-friendly Health Workers

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

Dr. Saltine, pioneer of salt transplants.

Govt. UK led by Seance

'The Meaning of Life? -- you don't have a bad ticker, do you?'

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

'The problem is you're a perfectionist. You don't always have to be totally evil. Sometimes it's OK to just be annoying.'

"We can work up to antidepressants, but for now I want to start you on eating a whole jar of cocktail olives over the kitchen sink."

"Well, Mr Eagle, coming to see me is the first positive step to get you to soar again..."

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

"You were smart to come see, Mr. Lewis. These moles on your back definitely look suspicious."

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

'Test results are back. Coffee, donuts, sleep deprivation. Doc, you've got to start taking better care of yourself.'

Jim's Smart Kettle

"Now they're saying shiny things attached to hooks are bad for you."

My fitness tracker said I was dead but I thought I'd better get a second opinion

Food Pyramid.

The Big Book of Really Hard Surgery

"Doctor, before we start you've got to promise me that I don't have to give up anything."

'...Sure, I can tell you how to prevent getting old...You can lie about your age...You can smoke...And you can drive drunk...'

Vaping cigarette

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

Enormous obesity report.

Live yogurt.

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

This thing on my neck is keeping me awake at night.

'...and it has much less cholesterol than beef.'

Group Insurance/Vitamins

"Say, Flo, did you make an appointment with a lifestyle counselor?"

"Odd - you have bad cholesterol, good cholesterol, and some cholesterol that wonders why everyone can't just get along."

'Take god care of your bacteria! it may well be the only culture you'll ever have....'