Quirky Family Advisor Gifts

'Can you give me a younger brother? I'm ready to delegate the responsibilities of my chores.'

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"And if all else fails, wave your arms frantically."

"Where's your nose?"

'Oh God I hope that bunch of rednecks aren't waving at me!'

'Feel free to get a second opinion. I can give you the number to my mom.'

"Grandmom told me "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." I told her that has medical malpractice written all over it!"

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

'I'm glad you're getting so into science, son, but you'll have to ask your teacher about this... jjunnetics thing.'

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"Mum can you come home quick, dad's started to make an exhibition of himself again!"

'We'll talk later, Ed, but for now we have a quick and dirty solution to your objections.'

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

'The problem is you're a perfectionist. You don't always have to be totally evil. Sometimes it's OK to just be annoying.'

'Stick and Carrot Business Incentive Consultants.'

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"We can work up to antidepressants, but for now I want to start you on eating a whole jar of cocktail olives over the kitchen sink."

Let's try something new, Al. I'll say a word, then you remain mercifully silent for the rest of the hour.

"...some of these tadpoles may not be yours."

COVID tips from Wild Animals

You and your alternative pregnancy.

"I'll explain later."

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

'I think Mr. Teddy's getting too dependent on me.'

"He doesn't like dinosaurs."

'...Sure, I can tell you how to prevent getting old...You can lie about your age...You can smoke...And you can drive drunk...'

Boho Bribes

'How do you expect them to treat you in a mature way with that thing in your mouth?'

Mum, Dad, I've met something...

'Yeah, my Mum is a clean-freak too: I have to wash my food before I eat it...'

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'