Quirky Advisor T-Shirts

'An unpleasant customer will come to see you? Well, remember that there are three good buddies who can help you: garlic, onions and beans.'

Woman at entrance to clairvoyant's with sign reading 'Warning: readings may contain bad news as well as good news'.

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'Tomorrow's special is fish, so wear the flounder suit.'

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

"And if all else fails, wave your arms frantically."

"My favorite tea: hot daffodil-infused chamomile with a hint of whiskey. Are you serious? Of course I'm serious! I've been dosing myself with small quantities of poisonous daffodil ever since 1931. You have to build up an immunity if you want to survive in the cutthroat world of Scrabble tournaments."

Expressions of mystery.

"And when conventional theories don't work, we've got Charnier here to do us a spot of voodoo marketing."

'We'll talk later, Ed, but for now we have a quick and dirty solution to your objections.'

"My mommy suggested I try a different advertising approach."

"Saturn. No contest. A deadly, treacherous gas giant ringed by a gossamer halo of ice. It symbolizes both death and life. Both evil and good. It symbolizes existence itself."

'The problem is you're a perfectionist. You don't always have to be totally evil. Sometimes it's OK to just be annoying.'

'Stick and Carrot Business Incentive Consultants.'

COVID tips from Wild Animals

"We can work up to antidepressants, but for now I want to start you on eating a whole jar of cocktail olives over the kitchen sink."

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense. If I had a cell phone, you wouldn't bother me!

"I'm in advertising. . ."

"The answer isn't more troops—what you need is an antibiotic."

"He doesn't like dinosaurs."

'I think Mr. Teddy's getting too dependent on me.'

'I like it.'

'A shocking report shows more marriages are ending in divorce than decapitation. Could this be the end of traditional marriage, as we know it? More on that. . .after the break!'

'You really have no idea what you're doing do you?'

"Timing is everything. I recommend that you act now before the authorities discover I've escaped."

"You're not supposed to answer her when she talks to us."

'...Sure, I can tell you how to prevent getting old...You can lie about your age...You can smoke...And you can drive drunk...'

'I'm worried, Master has suddenly developed a morbid obsession: He asks me to play dead all the time now...'

"Do not bury yourself alive if allergic to burying yourself alive."

"And how long have you had this superiority complex?"

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

"I'd fire him in a minute, but the old man thinks we need his unique perspective around here."