Quirky Advice Lover Gifts

"We can work up to antidepressants, but for now I want to start you on eating a whole jar of cocktail olives over the kitchen sink."

'I'll call you at seven tonight... don't wear any underwear.'

"You must try your best...no matter what you do. Just don't get obsessive."

"And if all else fails, wave your arms frantically."

'The problem is you're a perfectionist. You don't always have to be totally evil. Sometimes it's OK to just be annoying.'

COVID tips from Wild Animals

Let's try something new, Al. I'll say a word, then you remain mercifully silent for the rest of the hour.

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

'Well, put a jumper on if you're cold!'

"...and if your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump off a cliff?"

"Your husband's laryngitis will probably last another wee but your blood pressure is nothing short of miraculous."

'...Sure, I can tell you how to prevent getting old...You can lie about your age...You can smoke...And you can drive drunk...'

"Always stay rooted, or you'll turn into a tumbleweed..."

'I'm screwed...'

"Do not bury yourself alive if allergic to burying yourself alive."

'No, no, the pills don't have any medication to improve your balance. You'll just get steadier on your feet by trying to catch pills that are thrown to you.'

'For best results, squeeze from the bottom.'

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

Tapeworms Need Love Too

We've had a lot of power cuts lately, but but don't worry we have a back up system.

'Very interesting. How many bird calls do you know?'

Funky Facts: A slug has no teeth, 2 teeth or over 25,000 teeth?

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Send your questions to asksadie@rudypark.com. Dear Ask Sadie, I have encountered a "close-talker" at work who always stands about five or six inches from my face while talking to me. Unfortunately, this close-talker is my boss. How can I get her to stop doing this without shooting my career in the foot? - Charlotte in Austin. Excellent question. It takes me back. The year was 1938. I spent months tracking down the elusive grizzly bear of the Ozark

Geez, Bob, maybe you should see a chiropractor.

Fortune Cookies

Psychiatrist with phrenology chart, reads bumps on head.

Have you tried drinking ?

"Take him home, have sex...Then bite his goddamn head off."

More priceless words of encouragement from the old man.

"Granddad tells us to see the 'big picture,' so we're watching more television.

"I need the answers to tomorrow's history test."

"Just a word to the wise, and Gary..."

If a fish farts in the ocean and no one is there to smell it, does it still stink?

"But the tax evasion did bring me happiness."

No Frills Psychiatrist.