Quirky Advice Fan Gifts

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Send your questions to asksadie@rudypark.com. Dear Ask Sadie, I have encountered a "close-talker" at work who always stands about five or six inches from my face while talking to me. Unfortunately, this close-talker is my boss. How can I get her to stop doing this without shooting my career in the foot? - Charlotte in Austin. Excellent question. It takes me back. The year was 1938. I spent months tracking down the elusive grizzly bear of the Ozark

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

"And if all else fails, wave your arms frantically."

"2 for 1 special: Clean, polish, buff, seal"

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

'The problem is you're a perfectionist. You don't always have to be totally evil. Sometimes it's OK to just be annoying.'

"We can work up to antidepressants, but for now I want to start you on eating a whole jar of cocktail olives over the kitchen sink."

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

COVID tips from Wild Animals

Let's try something new, Al. I'll say a word, then you remain mercifully silent for the rest of the hour.

"Okay, now this time just start chasing the squirrel instead of asking it to dance."

Magic mushroom

'...Sure, I can tell you how to prevent getting old...You can lie about your age...You can smoke...And you can drive drunk...'

"This one is really unusual. We have to remove a horseshoe from a guy's naval."

"Do not bury yourself alive if allergic to burying yourself alive."

"It's okay. I'm still ranked at the top of my class in self-esteem."

Freak Accident Specialist

Need to celebrate? we will pour ice water on you, only $27.50!

'I'm afarid your son has all the classic elements of geekism,minus the technical expertise.'

'No, no, the pills don't have any medication to improve your balance. You'll just get steadier on your feet by trying to catch pills that are thrown to you.'

'For best results, squeeze from the bottom.'

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

"Dear Ask Sadie, My mom is always nagging me to clean my room. I don't see why I should have to. I like it the way it is. I don't nag at her for having a clean room, because I know that's how she likes it. How can I get her to just let me be?" "Excellent question. The thing is, it's your mother's job to shape you into a respectable person." "If you think 'being you' includes being dirty, that means you're a dirty, slovenly filth-beast..." "...who will end up alone and miserable because no liv

'He certainly knows how to make a customer feel welcome.'

"Take him home, have sex...Then bite his goddamn head off."

More priceless words of encouragement from the old man.

Man on desert island asks for a lighter rather than a rescue.

"...failing is ok."

"My name is socks. Yours?"

Have you tried drinking ?

"You need to let things go."

"I've got this phobia about paying bills...."

"Pushing buttons with anything other than your index finger is an affectation."

Hospital Sign: Admissions, Outpatient, Drive Thru.

I can give this speech. People want to hear my speech. I'll put one word after the next, and before I know it, I'll be giving a speech. Self-motivational speaker.