Sarcastic Story Lover Pillows

You could have fooled me!

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

How About Serving Us For a Change

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"You might want to save that for your blog."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Arresting Adam and Eve

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

Know-it-alls

The canteen food's pretty awful...

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

'Don't get worked up - that's one you didn't bail out.'

Robot Bombs: A One Time Thing, Right?

Fat Reduction Clinic.

'I needed a little guidance on bulk pricing strategies... are you LISTENING?'

'Police! Snow White we have complaints about your relationship with 'Grumpy', and one 'Dopey' some ten years ago.'

"Allow me to explain the terms of our easy payment plan."

"One of his employees won the lottery!"

Conrad Black will be unable to do his investment club's tax returns this year.

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."