Sarcastic Story Teller Pillows

"Since you called one driver a 'blind son of a bitch' and another an 'incompetent half-wit' I'm going to assume you've taken a few introductory driving lessons from your dad?"

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Redhead

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'He lost his whistle,'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

The canteen food's pretty awful...

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

'I needed a little guidance on bulk pricing strategies... are you LISTENING?'

'Police! Snow White we have complaints about your relationship with 'Grumpy', and one 'Dopey' some ten years ago.'

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."