Sarcastic Story Teller Pillows

"Since you called one driver a 'blind son of a bitch' and another an 'incompetent half-wit' I'm going to assume you've taken a few introductory driving lessons from your dad?"

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Exciting potato bugs.

Redhead

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'He lost his whistle,'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

A man in hospital is exposed to Covid-19

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."

Less than Ultimate Fighting.

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

'I needed a little guidance on bulk pricing strategies... are you LISTENING?'