Sarcastic Storylovers Pillows

"We're looking at a six figure sum here for misrepresentation. Your nose isn't red, never has been and never will be."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

How About Serving Us For a Change

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

Arresting Adam and Eve

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

The canteen food's pretty awful...

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

Know-it-alls

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

'Don't get worked up - that's one you didn't bail out.'

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

"One of his employees won the lottery!"

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."

'I needed a little guidance on bulk pricing strategies... are you LISTENING?'

Conrad Black will be unable to do his investment club's tax returns this year.

Robot Bombs: A One Time Thing, Right?

'Police! Snow White we have complaints about your relationship with 'Grumpy', and one 'Dopey' some ten years ago.'

Ok, I know a sarcastic slow clap when I hear one.

"After years of low level burglaries, Robin Hood started to steal from the rich using a sophisticated Ponzi scheme."

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.