Sarcastic Storylovers Pillows

"We're looking at a six figure sum here for misrepresentation. Your nose isn't red, never has been and never will be."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

Arresting Adam and Eve

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

The canteen food's pretty awful...

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

Know-it-alls

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

"After years of low level burglaries, Robin Hood started to steal from the rich using a sophisticated Ponzi scheme."

Less than Ultimate Fighting.

'I needed a little guidance on bulk pricing strategies... are you LISTENING?'

Fat Reduction Clinic.

"One of his employees won the lottery!"

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

Conrad Black will be unable to do his investment club's tax returns this year.

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."