Sarcastic Survivalist Pillows

"And you can forget about a decent bagel."

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

"For my will I decided to cut out the middle man and bequeath all my money to the IRS."

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"Can't you just troll me?"

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"How about fashionably never?"