Sarcastic Optimist Pillows

'Look on the bright side - it used to be marigolds.'

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

"Can't you just troll me?"

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"Where the hell were you fourteen years ago?"

"How about fashionably never?"

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

"Of course failure is an option; I use it all the time!"

"Room for bigger presents!"

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

"The end of my patience is near!"

The End is Near...You Wish.

"OK, now here comes the lava."

'Teamwork is just a chance to blame someone else!'

By now you should have realised that I'm incompetent and taken my job...

"I'm pretty sure the definition leadership is the use of anger to motivate those who are already miserable."

"Where do you see yourself in five years and what are you doing now to avoid it?"

"Remind me again—what do I usually promise you so you'll take on extra work?"