Sarcastic Savior Gifts

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'Caesar salad?'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

"For my will I decided to cut out the middle man and bequeath all my money to the IRS."

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

Didn't we fire you last week?

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"I'm not whining."

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"Just say the word and I'll love you."