Sarcastic Savant Gifts

'I tried everything to get my class to pay attention. I tried bribes,sarcasm,guilt,shame and threats. nothing works! Are you paying attention to what I'm saying?'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

So that's it? I've tweeted a risque photo of my bicep. What happens next? We wait for the outpouring. I'm ready. Bring on the outrage. C'mon media! Let's hear your disgust that some old man would brazenly send such a lascivious photo. Then, with the world looking at me, I'll astound them with my idea of a universal health care system! Wait. Wait. Not yet. it's time for my first nap of the day. Can we do this later? What? Zzzzz. Best way for this to end.

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

Mitch learns he is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

"Thank you, Nathaniel. I think you, too, are a very scary young lawyer."

"I love this comedy. What's it called?"

That's weird - every time I call the self-help hotline, it goes straight to my voicemail.

'When I drink, I don't drive my car.'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'Wow! - Your diary is even more boring than MY diary!'

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

Barbed Pen

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'