Sarcastic Genius Gifts

Hey boss, it's almost the middle of March and I haven't been paid yet. Are you sure? Perhaps I already paid you for March back in February. Perhaps I've been paying you a whole month early for the last 16 years, and so you aren't actually entitled to another check until April. If you show me your very first check stub from 16 years ago, we could clear this up. Very. Mad. Man.

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

The First Fire Stick

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

Exciting potato bugs.

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

Redhead

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

'He lost his whistle,'

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."