Sarcastic Romantics Pillows

'I agree, Hadley, we've seen very little of each other but that's what I intended when I divorced you.'

The First Fire Stick

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You'll do."

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"I'm not whining."

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

"Where the hell were you fourteen years ago?"

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

"Fetch!" "Sorry, I'm on a break."

'Remember, guys, there's no 'I'll kill you before I ever budge an inch on any position' in TEAMWORK.'

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'

'Tap water?! As if.'

Sometimes a Good Excuse to Get off the Telephone is Hard to Find

"I told my boss there weren't enough hours in my day. He said that's why they invented the night."