Sarcastic Thinkers Pillows

The First Fire Stick

"Dad, I'm nearly eighteen. I'm old enough to get divorce if I want"

'He's been unbearable since he won the lottery.'

'Hey, I know how to stop famine and poverty! Let's have lunch and after that, we go on making money!'

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"Can't you just troll me?"

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"How about fashionably never?"

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"Where the hell were you fourteen years ago?"

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

'Tap water?! As if.'

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"The end of my patience is near!"