Sarcastic Philosopher Pillows

The End is Near...You Wish.

"The end of my patience is near!"

I own you, Meathead. How you figure? @Rudy_Park now has 115,000 followers. I'm a Twitter god. My secret? I tell them what a bunch of idiots they are! HOJ. Also, my picture shows me with huge pecs. You've just summarized my dating philosophy, which, but the way, usually ends badly.

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

'I used to sit in the lap of luxury. Then luxury stood up.'

Judgment Day, May 21, 2012

"Would you do me a favor and call me back when you're no longer an idiot?"

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

The First Fire Stick

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"Can't you just troll me?"

"Where the hell were you fourteen years ago?"

'If you can't beat 'em join 'em.'

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"How about fashionably never?"