Sarcastic Theologian Pillows

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

The First Fire Stick

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

The transparent safe box of Panama

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

"White Collar Prison"

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"Can't you just troll me?"

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"How about fashionably never?"

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

"Of course failure is an option; I use it all the time!"

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

"The end of my patience is near!"

'Hey, I know how to stop famine and poverty! Let's have lunch and after that, we go on making money!'