Sarcastic Theologian Pillows

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

The First Fire Stick

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

The transparent safe box of Panama

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"White Collar Prison"

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

"Can't you just troll me?"

"How about fashionably never?"

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

'If you can't beat 'em join 'em.'

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

"The end of my patience is near!"

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"